OMG - Oh My God's key dialogues and story chronology by Anand Mathur
1. The hero Kanji Lal is an atheist and an old artifacts dealer. His dialogues when buying idols for his shop are:
- Ek bade pet wale Krishna dena
- 250 rupaiya wale Krishna dena
- Aath (8) body builder Hanuman dena
2. In the bus from a teerth Yatra
- Kanjilal pours and drinks Alcohol from a Kamandalu. He passes on the same to other people in the bus and most of the men in the bus enjoy it. Only the person hosting the journey gets upset.
- Kanji says “sharab ko Prasad ki tarah bant (distributing) rahe hai”
- When a woman tastes and asks what this is Kanji Lal tells her “Ganga Jal hai”
3. Kanjilal takes a Krishna moorti and says
- Jab tak log aise khilone mein bhagwan maante rahenge tab tak hamara dhanda chalta rahega!
- Yeh bhagwan phagwwan tum insano ka bharam hai.
4. His Muslim neighbor tells him he is going for Haj. Kanjilal says “are Haj ka Kharcha karne se acha hai dukan ki maramat kara. Saale do aadmi andar baith ke khasenge to bhi gir jayegi teri dukaan.”
5. He spreads false rumours in the name of a Maharaj stating that the Maharaj was told by God that he is happy with the Govinda celebrations and has to told the Siddheswar Maharaj “aaj who apne bhakton ke haath se doodh aur makkhan khayenge.”
6. He is upset his son is Govinda in the handi game before his exam times. He drags him away after disrupting the event and tells the musician, “bund kar bund kar, makkhan chata ke aa..ja.” Earlier he says derogatorily that his son will not be a govinda. He will become a cricketer.
7. It is also interesting that school exams are usually held in missionary schools around major religious holidays.
8. This news spreads like wild fire and is covered on tv. They show a byte of a girl feeding Krishna, she says, Please kha lijiye na, main apke liye low cholesterol cheese layi hoon na”.
9. Kanjilal tells his wife and daughter on the event “pehle log thali mein dhak kar samne chod ke jaate the ab munh tak pahuncha rahe hain.. chatne de chatne de.
10. Kanji’s shop is the only building that is destroyed in a minor earthquake. When they reach the spot his employee and friend says,” ab yeh sab saaf karne ko kabadi ko paise dene padega. An unperturbed Kanji lal says, “kyun dene ka. Tooti footi murti nikal ke bolne ka ki Amarnath mein jameen phaad kar prakat hui hai.
11. Kanjilal says scolds his father in law who is telling him that its his atheism that has caused his downfall. Kanji says, “Ab hai na yeh Aastha channel shuru mat karna!” Will Aastha channel sue the film maker.
12. The insurane companies refuse to pay claim saying it is an act of God. He cannot sell his shop because the estate agent tells him that the land of his shop is “shapit bhoomi” because statues of God feel and broke there. Kanji says many years later when they dig this ground and the statues are found they will call it a divine land and build a temple over it.
13. He is upset and wants to sue Krishna as this is an “act of God”and uses a catapult to hit a statue of Radha Krishna but misses because the stone is deflected by the temple bell.
14. He tells lawyers that he wants to sue God. He says bahut naam hai uske, “Krishna, Ram, Brahma, Vishnu, Mahesh, Sai Baba, Ganpati, Balaji, Hanumanji , aur ladies bhi hai na, Durga Saraswati parvati santoshi.
15. In a scene he is shown chasing several lawyers who have rejected his case and shouts, “arre 33 crore to Hindu mein hai”.
16. He visits a leading lawyers house and sees Satyanarayan puja happening. The lawyer is standing with aarti. Kanjji blows out the aarti and says “dharmik”.(probably)
17. In the court he Hindu swamis are shown extremely temperamental and abusive. Swami Siddheshwar calls him, “moorkh kahin ka”. They show him shouting all the time.
18. Kanji lal mocks mantras in the court by making meaningless sounds that mimic mantras.
19. Jis tarah museum mein Mom (wax) ka putla dikhla kar paise liye jaate hai waise hi mandir mein patthar ki moorti dikhla kar paise le lete hain.”
20. He calls mandirs “dukaan” repeatedly.
21. Lawyer asks, “aap kehna kya chahte hain, what do you want to say, yeh jo sadhu yahan hai panditji hai, yeh yeh kya bhagwan ke officers hai? Kanji insinuates, “nahi nahi yeh log officers nahi hain, officers toh padhe likhe log hote hain… then he points to the maharaj and says “dekho dekho munh (face) dekho”, “salesmen hain, bhagwan ke collection agent ”
22. One more swami says, “yeh to nastic hai, jo yeh keh raha hai, ise swayam gyan nahi hai, hum toh sadhu hain hum ise kshama kar dete hain….”
23. A lady awamini threatens him with physical harm in court.
24. The body language of the Hindu sadhus is extremely derogatory.
25. Outside the court the group leader of the swami’s threatens Kanji with the crowd,”yahan se toh surakshit nikal jaoge, sarkari jagah hai, in logon se kaise bachoge.” The crowd is full of sadhus etc.
26. Kanji finds his life threatened by hindu fundamentalists. God (Akshay Kumar)appears in a suit and on a motorbike and save Kanji’s life and drops him home. Kanji’s wife and children desert him as they have been attacked. Kanji is alone when God comes to his house and tells him that he has purchased Kanji’s house papers from the lender and will let Kanji stay if Kanji allows him to use the things in the house. Kanji has no option and accepts.
27. They show Siddheshwar maharaj eating in the toilet, cheating on an Anshan he has been tricked into by other priests.
28. A person on a talk show where Kanji is the guest asks,
- "Kanji bhai waise toh main bhi manta hoon bhagwan hamare pita samaan hain, toh kya who mere samne aayenge?”
- Kanji asks back,” aap yeh mandir moorti wagerah mein maante hain?”
- The person responds,”haan manta hoon”
- Kanji replies back,” toh who tummhare saamne nahi aayenge.”
- Person,”Lekin Kyun”
- Kanji”Kyunki aap unko mandir moorti-yon mein dhoond rahe ho na. Phir unko ru-baru hone ki kya zaroorat hai .”
- Another bald person objects,”nahi nahi yeh toh galat hai bhagwaan toh hote hi hai. Do saal se mujhe achi naukri nahi mil rahi thi, maine mannat mangi ki mujhe achi naulri mil jaayegi toh main apne baal arpan kar ke aaunga. Aur dekho mujhe naukri mil gayi!”
- Kanji says,”oh ho! Baal poor eke poore arpan kar diye (crownd laughs). Acha aap jaraa sochiye, aap subah subah tayyar ho kar first class office ke liye nikalte, kaam ke liye nikalte hain aur jaise hi ghar ka darwaza kholte hain saamne baalon (hair) ka dher pada hua hai (crowd laughs) kale baal, safed baal, kuch dandruff wale baal, kuch aise joon (lice) waale baal, har kisam ke baalon ka buffet laga hua hai (they show the judge watching the show on television) toh mujhe batayi aapko kaisa lage ga?
- Bald person,”mujhe bilkul hi acha nahi lagega”
- Kanji,”toh socho bhagwan ko kitna bura lagta hoga yeh sab.” Bhagwan ne darwaza khola ki baal bal baal!
- His muslim lawyer watching the show says,”yeh kanji bhai logic toh sahi istemaal karte hain.”
- Kanji, “aapko pata hai in baalon ka kya hota hai…. Dhanda hota hai.” He goes on to explain how it is exported to foreign countries for making wigs.
- Kanji, “aapki shraddha ka dhanda hota hai.”
- Hostess comments that this money is used in running charitable projects like schools hospitals etc.
- Kanji,” yeh toh aisi baat ho gayi ki jo gutka bechta hai wohi cancer ka hospital kholta hai”! (Crowd laughs) aur madam yeh sab chalana hi padega kyonki yeh saara paise black ka aata hai. Iska agar white mein koi transaction nahi dikhaya toh Income Tax waale aapka gala daba ke jail mein daal dewe”.
- Kanji gives a speech on how the priests are like mafia except that they don’t show guns but instill fear in you. He names hindu practices like astrology next birth etc.
- Hostess,”too good. toh apke liye dharam ki paribhasha kya hai.
- Kanji,” mein samajhta hoon ki jahaan dharam hai wahan satya ke liye jagah nahi hai, aur jahan satya hai, truth hai, wahan dharam ki jaroorat hi nahi hai.
- Hostess asks “dharam ya mazhab ek insaan ki zindagi mein kya kaam karte hain”.
- Kanji bhai,” mere hisaab se toh ek hi kaam karta hai dharam ya to woh insan ko bebas banata hai ya phir aatankwadi.”
- The hostess lauds him.
29. They show a conspiratorial telephonic conversation between the two main swamis, Liladhar Swami who is shown as scheming and Swami Siddheswar. (including the fasting one who is desperate for a solution) However, the tone is as if the main swamis are representing the entire Swami community.
30. There is however, one Swami who repeatedly warns these Swamis to accept people’s grievances and to sort themselves out.
31. In the Court Scene, “SIddheshwar Swami is asked by Kanji as to how many acres is his land on. Siddheshwar says, “22 acre mein, jisme 322 chote chote mandir hain bhagwan ke.” To this Kanji says,”oh ho! Maane bhagwaan ka poora shopping mall hi sajaa ke rakha hai.”
There is subtle use of laughter of the people in the court to justify Kanji’s anti-hindu retort.
32. Kanji continues that he was asked by a priest working in Siddheswar Maharajs temple to offer milk to god to win the case and that he goes to the temple with milk. He says,”sab ke sab lota le kar khade the (implying as if people are waiting to defecate), maine socha andar koi doodh peene waala hoga, log aise gadhe thodi hain aise lota pakad ke khade hain, mera number aaya, main andar gaya…. Andar koi nahi tha doodh peene wala, koi nahi….beech main wooooh kala patthar pada hua tha…..”
Priest angrily shouts,” use Shiv Ling kehte hain moorkh.”
Kanji,”haan shiv ling ,shiv ling pada hua tha… aur who “pathar” my Lord, woh patthar doodh doodh tha…..aur who patthar ke bilkul bagal mein se ek choti si patli se naali mein se saara doodh bahar ki aur ja raha tha. Maine bola ki bahar koi na koi khada hi hoga doodh peene wala, dekha bahar bhi koi nahi tha. Woh sara doodh My Lord us naali se nikal kar bahar gutter mein ja raha tha. Total waste.” Etc……….Toh mandir mein aane wala ek ek insaan who woh patthar pe doodh dalne ke bajaye kisi garib ke pet mein dale na to sabse jyada punya milega.” Applaud “aur haan maulvi sahib kisi dargah par phoolon ki chaddar chadhane ke bajaye kisi nange fakir ke badan pe kapdo ki chadar chadhaiye jaaye to Allah ko bahut khushi milegi. Aur Jesus ke samne mombatti jalane se acha hai kisi garib ke jhonpde mein jalayi toh uske ghar mein kabhi andhera nahi hoga.”
33. The other Swami says, “dekho kanji doodh chaddar mombatti yeh sab chadhana ek pratha hai. Bhagwan ki pooja archana …In sab ka moolya tum nahi samjhoge kyon ki tum ek nastik ho!”
Kanji asks him to stop these ill practices. However, the Swami is shown to have no modern understanding despite being a leading Swami in the country.
34. Another priest from Sai Baba panth in the audience supports Kanji.
35. Kanji asks the Siddheshwar Swami, why devotees going to Amarnath and Vaishno Devi die in bus crashes. He also says that every car that has accidents has pictures of God. Then why do they suffer such consequences. However, the lawyer of the opposite side (serving the insurance companies) objects and changes the topic. The debate is never taken forward!!
36. The lawyer asks Kanji to prove that the act is of God and that the Insurance companies are not liable anyhow. The priests object stating that if anyone calls matters,”acts of God” it does not make the priests liable. Kanji is asked by the judge to present proof supporting his case.
37. There is a song in which idolatory is derided and a muslim fakir begging is asked by kanji to work.
38. Kanji is asked by Krishna God to read Bhagwad Gita and then Bible and Koran.
39. Siddeswar Maharaj gets upset and says to Kanji, “tujhe narak mein bhi jagah nahi milegi.” Kanji laughs it off saying you have already put your “kulle” there so how will I get a chance to get in.
40. Siddheshwar maharaj gets upset and manhandles Kanji.
41. Kanji says,” In logon ki IQ bhi room temperature se low hai”
42. He quotes Gita, Bible and Koran to state that God has claimed that nothing moves without will.
43. The Insurance company officer and Siddheswar Maharaj have a fight and Maharaj threatens him, “hamara sampraday tumhe chodega nahi”.
44. Kanji meanwhile gets a stroke that renders him paralytic on the entire left side of his body.
45. Kanji is in his hospital ICU God Krishna visits him and heals him by running his keychain on his body and tells him he is in hospital since one month and that the Swami’s have made a god of him. Kanji asks God for forgiveness.
46. God shows himself to kanji dressed in a white dhoti and jewelry and tells him,” arre main usi roop mein aaya hoon jo aap log hamesha dekhte ho tv pe calendar pe, filmo mein. Barso se yehi roop mera chalta aa raha hai. Usi roop mein main apke saamne khada hoon.Lekin kanji bhai main aisa hoon nahi!” Insult to Indian ethnic clothes!!
47. Krishna says,”…….. mujhe logon ke phool, Prasad ya chadhawe, candle, chaadar, in sab se dilchaspi nahi hai. Main toh chahta hoon ki, yeh sab cheezein who garibon mein baant de. Mujhe agar lagav (attachment) hai toh unki shraddha se, unke pyar se, unki aastha se.”
48. Krishna shows him what all has happened in the past month when he was incapacitated in hospital. His friend has become a Swami and the other Swamis and politician want to make money off his shrine to recover the settlement cost that they had paid out to the people that had participated in the class action suit against all religious. Liladhar Swami says,” Waise bhi kaafi saalon se market main naya Bhagwan nahi aaya hai”. They conspire to kill him.
49. Kanji decides to go to the temple venue and face the conspirators. He carries a rod on his shoulder. Kanji addresses the crowd there,”……………..ek baat mujhe bataiye, hamari duniya itni sundar hai toh phir bhagwaan sirf mandiron mein hi rahenge? Main kehta hoon sirf yahan se (heart) se maniye. Apne dil se mangiye toh bhagwaan milega……Insaaan mein milega. Aise pattharon mein nahi milega. Aise pattharon mein nahi milega.”…….. He breaks his own idol.
50. When the public wants to attack the Swami’s. Kanji asks the public to let them go back in their expensive cars. He says, among other things”……..aur aaj ke baad inke ashram mein, ya inke dar darwaze pekoi bhi kadam nahi rakhega, samajh gaye. Who hogi inki asli sajaa.”
51. Liladhar Swami while leaving says, “yeh aastha, shraddha afeem ke nashe ki tarah hai kanji. Ek baar lat lag gayi na, aasani se nahi choot-ti. Yeh jo aap log dekh rahe ho na they are not god loving people, they are god fearing people. Aaj nahi to kal yeh Kahin phir se ashram mein na dikh jaayen. Mere bhai baba…..”
52. Kanji tells his friend,”kya Swamiji inke saath nahi jayenge. Chal aaja tod abhi”.
53. Kanji tells the crowd,”tum sab pratigya lo ki koi bhi aadmi kisi bhi dharamsthal ki daan peti mein ek bhi paisa nahi dega”. He breaks down the donation box.”ab dekh kya rahe ho todo in putlon ko”.
54. They crowd brings down his statue.
55. God disappears but his key chain is on the ground. Kanji picks it up and tries to keep it in his pocket. There is an aakashwani,”kya kar raha hai kanji. Ise tabeej bana ke gale mein mat pehen-na. Badi mushkil se tu-ne logon ko samjhaya hai ki yeh sa galat hai. Phenk ise. Phenk.” Kanji throws the ring away in the sky with a flourish towards the temple.
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